


Without You

by ASchwartz33



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Anbu Yamato | Tenzou, Depression, Drinking, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 02:36:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20107777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASchwartz33/pseuds/ASchwartz33
Summary: Kakashi is in love with Tenzo but never was able to tell him before the war. Now Tenzo is presumed dead and Kakashi cant deal with it.Sort of au where tenzo isnt called yamato and he wasnt found at the end of the war.Also gai isnt injured and kakashi never becomes lord 6th. Also the boys are only 2 years apart.Italicized writing signifies a memoryI thought of this story while listening to "Without You" by Breaking Benjamin and named it after the song





	Without You

Kakashi laid in bed. Ninety percent of what he does now is the exact same thing. He barely ate, really the only full meals he would eat were every few days when Gai would force his way into the apartment and cook him dinner. He would practically nag Kakashi out of bed, telling him how his muscles would atrophy and wear away if he never used them.

Kakashi had lost a bit of weight, not that he had a lot extra to lose as it was. He hardly slept, kept awake by nightmares or daydreaming about what he had lost. He would stay awake for a couple days at a time, and eventually pass out from exhaustion.

After the 4th ninja war, Kakashi was a wreck. The man he loved was MIA, and believed to be dead. When his name was carved into the memorial stone, Kakashi lost it. Depressed, distraught, and weak beyond all belief, it took less than a week for him to be deemed unfit for active duty and placed on indefinite leave.

Kakashi disappeared into his apartment. Gai, in all his attempts, could only manage to drag him outside once every few weeks, and only to the bar. There he would get extremely wasted, and cry shamelessly with his head on the table. Alone, at home, is where he would remain lost in his memories until he passed out.

_"This way!" Kakashi violently whispered. His Anbu team trailing behind him. He had been the youngest captain in Anbu history, and earned it through the piles of blood left behind him. _

_His team itself was ever changing as teammates died or transferred to other teams, afraid of Kakashi and the ridiculously hard missions he would take on. This time, it was himself, a short man named Hashiri, and his young friend Tenzo. They were running from enemy shinobi from the village hidden in the grass. The mission had been simply surveillance, but quickly went awry as it turned into an ambush of sorts. _

_Running through the trees swiftly and silently, Kakashi's team dodged traps and parties searching for them with ease. At least they did, until Hashiri unwittingly triggered a paper bomb trap, leaving a large pile of blood and body parts where he once stood. _

_With no time to grieve the loss of a comrade, Tenzo and Kakashi rushed away from the explosion knowing the noise would draw enemies in quickly. Scrambling as they had nowhere to run, Kakashi used his sharingan and spotted a hole in the rock wall hidden behind a large bush. With a quick glance, Tenzo understood and followed his captain into the small hole. _

_Tenzo hadn't been in Anbu long, but he had been immediately assigned to Kakashi's team. Right from the beginning, their teamwork was practically unstoppable. When Kakashi launched an electrifying attack, Tenzo would use water and amplify his efforts. If Kakashi used a genjutsu, Tenzo would take the target and restrain him with his wood style release or split the ground and send him into a cavern with his earth style, never to return. Their death count rose rapidly as they continued on missions together, and soon they hardly had to speak on missions to know the other one's thoughts. _

_For other Anbu transferred to their team, it would become quickly frustrating if they couldn't catch on to the hidden cues and thoughts passed between the two, and also resulted in several team deaths. _

_As they pushed into the small hole in the wall, Kakashi was thankful they were both still so young, him being only 16 and tenzo 14. If they had been much older, they wouldn't have both fit. Crammed together side by side, they silently waited out their enemies. Nightfall and rain came, and as they waited, both drifted off to sleep. _

_Kakashi woke first, removing his head from tenzo's shoulder and his left arm from around his back. He couldn't remember moving into that position during their sleep, but it didn't bother him. Sometimes Kakashi felt as if they were simply one person that had been split into two. Their thoughts constantly being the same even without speaking to each other. He looked down at his tiny friend, who was huddled into a little ball at Kakashi's side. _

_Tenzo's hair was a mess from travelling through the forest, with brown strands flying everywhere. Kakashi was just thankful he had finally cut it short after the last time an enemy yanked him backwards by a handful. He stared for a while, thinking how great it would be if they could continue doing missions together until the end, when they inevitably died at the hands of an enemy._

Kakashi stared at his ceiling, long past the point where tears could fall. He was only capable of crying when he was drunk, according to Gai. If he was gonna force Kakashi out in public, he had to make sure he wouldn't remember it in the morning. He didn't want to remember being somehow so alone even though he was surrounded by people. Didn't want to remember his first few moments in the bar, or on the streets, when he was too busy searching through faces, looking for the only one he ever wanted to look at again.

It had been 5 months since Kakashi had been back from the war, and he had been out only 4 times since he was placed on leave. He hated leaving the apartment. Leaving meant knowing for sure that the love of his life wasn't out there. It meant knowing that Kakashi never got to say goodbye, or confess his deep-seeded feelings of love.

Even from his bedroom, Kakashi could hear Gai burst through the front door of his apartment, and he cringed internally at another day of the green-clad jackass harassing him to go outside.

Really, he should be thankful Gai hasn't given up on him. Sakura had left the village a couple months ago to travel with Sasuke, and Naruto was far too busy training to be the next Hokage. Without them, who was left to check on him besides Gai? No one at all. Everyone else he ever cared about died, either during the most recent war or long before.

Gai ran into his room, telling tales of youth and exuberance. Kakashi hardly listened. Gai was used to this kind of treatment from him, and it wasn't really fair. However distant and depressed Kakashi would be, even if he was trapped in his own memories the entire time Gai was around, Gai would still come back. He would still give Kakashi a hug any time he left his side. He still cared.

_Kakashi's eyes widened. Here he was, just barely 18 for two days, on his first trip to the land of ice, and they had been ambushed by enemy shinobi. Again. _ _With their reputation preceding any mission they were assigned, this had been happening more and more. _

_This time, he and Tenzo were stranded atop a frozen lake facing two powerful enemies. They had been fighting for what felt like days. Chakra low, Kakashi was nearing the end of what he could do to help. With a last ditch effort, Tenzo cracked the icy ground open with an impressive attack and sent both enemies into the icy waters below with fatal injuries. _

_Tenzo moved forward to confirm the enemies were dead, and Kakashi remained still, trying to conserve what little energy he had left. _

_Without much warning, the ice gave away under Kakashi's tired feet and he was swept under. He reached out, trying to grab onto a chunk of floating ice, anything really, to drag himself up. Instead, he was dragged away from the hole where his body used to stand and under the solid ice. _

_His normally collected mind drew up no ideas as he panicked and flailed under the surface of the lake. He had no chance to hold his breath before going under, and could feel the dizzying effects of no oxygen. His vision went dark, and he drifted into unconsciousness. _

_Kakashi's eyes opened up as a sharp intake of breath forced him awake. He was on the surface, laying on his back in the snow. His breathing was deep and quick like he was hyperventilating. Tenzo leaned over him, water dripping from his unruly brown hair. His large brown eyes were wide with relief as he extended an arm to Kakashi's chest, the telltale green of healing jutsu springing forth from long, calloused fingers. _

_Kakashi was able to take normal breaths again, and reached an arm up to grab_ _onto Tenzo's shoulder. The younger ninja had jumped into the water and pulled him out, as evidenced by his soaked uniform. Tenzo looked down on his face, and smiled warmly and worriedly to him before helping him to his feet. Slowly, they limped about half a mile before coming across an abandoned shack. _

_With the last of his chakra reserves, Tenzo sprouted a few impressive trees to cloak the tiny building before shutting them inside. _

_There was nothing in the single room except for a fireplace and a small bed. Tenzo helped his captain out of his wet clothes, making sure not to look up at his face or into any private areas as Kakashi was able to remove his soaked mask and underwear on his own. _

_Kakashi laid on the very abandoned bed, evidenced by all the dust flying around after he moved the blanket, while Tenzo laid their clothes on the floor in front of the tiny fireplace and started a fire. _

_Kakashi watched sleepily as Tenzo lifted the blankets and climbed into the bed next to him. No words needed, Tenzo left the blanket covering the bottom half of Kakashi's face as he turned towards his captain and laid his chest against his shoulder. _

_Kakashi felt his teammate's arm wrap slowly around his stomach, knowing this was the only way they were both going to keep from becoming hypothermic. _

_As Kakashi's eyes finally closed from exhaustion, he felt Tenzo shift his hips away from him, thankful to avoid any awkwardness when they woke in the morning. Before he fully drifted off, he looked towards Tenzo. Big brown eyes shifted to look back at him. _

_"Thank you, Tenzo." Kakashi managed, barely a whisper. _

_Tenzo didn't need to reply, he gave a tiny nod and a slight squeeze with the arm around Kakashi's middle. They both closed their eyes and drifted into sleep._

"Kakashi? Any thoughts?" Gai questioned him.

"Hmmm?" Was all Kakashi could come up with.

Once again he had gotten lost in his own thoughts and ignored the only friend he had left.

"Drinks? I thought maybe you would feel better if I just brought something over for us to drink here. We could watch a movie and just hang out?" Gai belted out, slightly unsure of himself.

Kakashi was shocked for a moment. Gai only hung out at his house when he was making him dinner. Never before had he offered to spend time in the apartment. Even when it meant getting out of bed, Kakashi knew he owed Gai a great deal for all the effort he was going through to keep him attached to the real world, even just a little.

"Fine." He croaked out, voice a little weaker than he was expecting.

"Yes! I will bring food, sake, and a movie for our most youthful hang time!" Gai shouted.

He pointed a finger at Kakashi and once again started yelling.

"I will be back in one hour! Perhaps you should take this time to shower, because even though you are my eternal rival, you stink really bad!" And with that, he ran out the door and left the apartment.

Kakashi groaned. He didn't want to get up. He lifted an arm and leaned over to get a whiff of whatever Gai was smelling. His sensitive nose recoiled immediately and Kakashi had to force himself not to gag.

"Maybe I do need a shower." He spoke out into the empty apartment.

When Gai returned, Kakashi had managed a shower and was lazily sitting on the couch in his small living room. Gai smiled and ran to set his bags down in another part of the room that was his kitchen.

"Let the good times begin!" He yelled into the small apartment, as Kakashi inwardly regretted agreeing to this.

Many drinks and two Taijutsu movies later, Kakashi was in his normal depressed state as the drinks hit him. Instead of crying on the table this time he was just staring at the television with Gai next to him on the couch.

"Kakashi…" Gai started quietly before turning to look at the silver haired jounin. "We lost a lot of friends in this last war. I know we did. I feel it deep down in my heart every day. But I can't help but feel like something more is making you this way. Something else besides the loss of life has to be the reason have turned into this shell of who you used to be."

Kakashi winced at the words as they were spoken, and faced Gai with sorrow in his eyes. He was just barely drunk enough that his mind started to think maybe Gai deserved to know the truth of it all.

He opened his mouth to speak, and suddenly found it hard to find the words. Looking down at his empty glass, he was almost startled when Gai was already reaching over to fill it.

Kakashi looked at him, at his big eyes full of concern, and tipped his glass up to his face when Gai turned away for moment.

He chugged every drop and held it out for him to fill it again. Gai obliged, and filled his own glass as well before looking once again to Kakashi, waiting patiently for the answer he was sure would come.

Kakashi opened his mouth again. "I… I loved him. More than a friend. More than I've ever loved anyone. And... now he's gone. I never even got to tell him how I felt."

He set his glass down and dropped his face down into his hands. His body started shaking violently as once again, drunk Kakashi sobbed.

Gai kept his distance for a moment, clearly contemplating what Kakashi had said. Before this moment, Kakashi had never come out to anyone before. As far as he knew, his sexuality was a total mystery to anyone else, and that was the way he liked it.

Kakashi jumped slightly when large green arms wrapped around him and pulled him close. Gai had one hand up around his shoulder, and the other around the back of his head, pulling the distraught man to his chest. Kakashi leaned in and continued spilling tears everywhere. Gai patted the back of his head for a few minutes before he spoke again.

"Kakashi…. I know this is hard. Love... is a complicated mess. And unresolved love? Even worse. But…. Just know that even though you are my eternal rival, I will always be here for you. And as for Obito… I'm sure he knew how you felt about him."

Kakashi froze. Gai thought he was talking about Obito? Of course he did. Why would he think of anyone else. Kakashi had never once looked at Obito in that manner. Let alone spent time with him at a point after even hitting puberty. How could he be in love with someone who he lost touch with so young?

He remained limp in Gai's arms and kept the truth to himself, knowing Gai would never tell another soul about any imagined love for Obito.

_"Kakashi-senpai, we need to get out of here!" Tenzo shouted from the ground, rolling to his feet before stumbling on his hurt leg. _

_The cave around them was collapsing on itself, with or without them inside. Kakashi ran over to Tenzo, leaning down so the younger man could jump onto his back. Tenzo wordlessly leapt up and latched on as his captain took off through the cave. _

_Rocks were falling non-stop from the sky as Kakashi used his sharingan to dodge anything in their way. _

_Breaking out of the cave into the open, Kakashi's tired legs gave out and sent both men rolling into the dirt. Since they were finally out of danger, they just laid there for a few minutes. _

_"Well, now we both have had pretty shitty 18th birthdays." Tenzo broke the silence with a smirk, looking to his captain laying on his back in a cloud of dust. _

_Both men broke into fits of laughter until they couldn't hardly breathe._

Kakashi woke with the familiar pain of a hangover.

Since the first night two weeks ago, Gai had been over almost every night to drink and watch movies with him. Sometimes Kakashi would eat and drink and talk, other times he would be too depressed to do any of those and just stared through the t.v. screen.

He could see the excitement in Gai's face every time he managed to get Kakashi to come out to the couch, so he continued on with it. It was the very least he owned the green beast of Konoha.

He groaned and rolled around in his bed with his cold hands on his face.

"I must have passed out again." He spoke out.

Looking at the clock, he saw it was already 5 PM. Gai was sure to show up again soon.

Kakashi forced himself out of bed and into the shower. When he left his bathroom, Gai was waiting for him.

"Rival! Tonight we drink!" He shouted.

"Yes, yes. What movie have you brought?" Kakashi mumbled, holding his head.

"No movie! For tonight we drink with friends!"

"You are my only friend, Gai. What the hell are you talking about?" He asked, getting annoyed very quickly.

"Kurenai, Asuma, Genma, and Anko beg to differ. And they want you out at the bar with them tonight. I promised that I would bring you!" He bellowed.

Kakashi sighed. He knew arguing with Gai was basically useless when it came down to promises. If he promised his friends Kakashi would be there, that means that he would take him whether he had to drag his unconscious body up to the bar or not. To be honest, Kakashi wasn't even sure he had the strength to fight him on it.

Kakashi looked down at his sweatpants and dirty t-shirt he was wearing and sighed.

"I will go get dressed then I guess." And trudged off to his bedroom.

_"I've been made a jounin leader." _

_"What does that mean?" Tenzo asked. _

_"It means I'm not going to be in Anbu any longer. I'm going to be put in charge of some genin kids and sent on missions with them." Kakashi replied. _

_"You don't want to be in Anbu with me anymore?" _

_Kakashi could see the hurt in Tenzo's eyes as he asked the question and felt his heart sink a little. He looked down into his hands and sighed. _

_"I'd love to stay in Anbu as your captain, Tenzo. I really would. But Lord Hokage is making me leave. I mean, I'm 24 years old now. I've been in Anbu for over ten years! I guess they just need me elsewhere now." _

_"Oh… ok." Tenzo mumbled._

The bar was crowded. After Kakashi did his usual depressing scan over the miscellaneous faces, he retreated to the booth in the back of the bar where all his friends were waiting.

"Well I must be dreaming, because no way is Kakashi Hatake actually out at the bar with us!" Anko yelled, her loud excitable voice only overshadowed by Gai's.

"You are not dreaming Anko! It is in fact our dear friend Kakashi!" He howled over the crowded booth.

"Good to finally see you again Kakashi!" Kurenai said with a smile, her arms wrapped around Asuma.

Genma and Asuma both smiled and nodded at him as he sat down on the farthest end of the booth next to Gai.

Kakashi retreated into his thoughts as round after round of drinks were placed into his waiting hand.

_"Be careful, Tenzo. I don't know how much I trust this plan. War is coming for Naruto, and I don't want you to get hurt either." _

_"Kakashi, we will be on an island with the killer bee and many guards…. I don't think it will be a problem. But, I will be careful for you senpai." Tenzo replied, smiling. _

_Kakashi walked forward and pulled Tenzo into a hug. All the time they had spent together training Naruto had brought them back to the same level of friendship they were at before Kakashi was forced out of Anbu. _

_"Tenzo… I have something important to tell you. Something I probably should have told you a long time ago."_

_"Kakashi," Tenzo interrupted, "You can tell me after we are all back home again, okay? We have to get going." _

_He finally broke off the hug and gave Kakashi another bright smile before turning to join Naruto at the front gate. _

_Word of Tenzo's capture had reached Konoha, and Kakashi forced himself to compartmentalize all his feelings of sadness in the wake of the growing war. _

_"We will get him back." He told himself. "I will make sure of it. I can't let anything happen to him. I have to tell him the truth." _

Kakashi was once again drunk. Tears slowly starting to form in his eyes as his friends continued to have fun around him. It seems Gai warned them ahead of time this was going to happen.

He placed his face down on the table as the first tears finally leaked out. He missed him. Missed him so much. What could he do to ease the ache that pounded into his every heartbeat? How could he pull himself away from complete misery?

Half the time, if he woke up in the dark, he hoped that he had finally died. If he would just hurry up and die, maybe there was a chance at seeing him again.

Across the bar, there was some shouting, but Kakashi just left his head on the table, eyes shut.

"Hey!" He heard someone shout. "I heard you were back today. I was wondering when we would see you around. You didn't need to rest?"

"I did plenty of resting while recovering from my injuries so I could come home. I'm fine now!"

Kakashi stopped breathing. He heard the voice. Heard the words. It just couldn't be.

Slowly, he sent his chakra out to feel around the bar. There were a lot of chakra signatures he recognized from the war, just not the one he was looking for. His eyes shot open as he found it. That familiar warmth of chakra exploded into his reach.

Kakashi shot up out of his seat, wide-eyed and looking around frantically. Everyone in the booth was silent, staring at the crazy ninja they had believed was probably passed out.

Kakashi froze when he saw him. Tenzo. Across the bar. Alive.

Before he could think Kakashi was across the bar tackling the surprised jounin to the floor. He wrapped him up in his arms, determined never to let go again.

Patrons of the bar stared at them. Tenzo on the ground, Kakashi on top of him, hugging him. Tenzo breathed deeply and pushed some silver hair out of his face before reaching his arms around to hug Kakashi back.

"Kakashi?" He heard Gai call his name from the crowd next to him.

He didn't look up, but knew his friend would be confused.

Tenzo didn't try to release his hold on him, but he did sit up so he and Kakashi weren't laying on the floor completely.

"Tenzo…" Kakashi released a quiet sob and called out to him. He couldn't hold back the tears any more and he bawled, holding another man on the floor in front of all his friends and a bunch of strangers.

Tenzo spoke up finally. "Well, I think he's had plenty to drink now… I think I will take him home."

He lifted Kakashi up to his feet and placed the drunk man's arm over his shoulders to hold him up.

Just before leaving the bar, Kakashi looked back through tears, to see Gai. The green giant made eye contact with him, just as a look of sudden realization hit him.

Tenzo walked his drunk friend out into the streets. He was so happy to be able to see Kakashi again… even if he was in such a state of disarray.

Looking down at the sobbing figure now, he could see just how bad off he was. This wasn't the first time he had carried him, and he could tell Kakashi had lost some weight. The sunken look of his eyes said more than anything. He was not in a good place.

Tenzo found it hard to believe that the famous copycat ninja of the leaf would be this affected after the war. How could this happen? Where were his friends the entire time Kakashi was doing this to himself?

Kakashi shifted into Tenzo's side, forcing the younger man to accommodate for more of Kakashi's weight. This wasn't exactly what he expected when he saw his oldest friend again.

Tenzo had also lost weight. He had several very serious injuries after the war, and was stranded in a foreign land.

Luckily, with the allied shinobi forces, his unconscious body was taken to a hospital in the land of clouds, where he was one of many unidentified shinobi.

There he remained in a coma for nearly 4 months, and even when he finally woke up, he still had a month-long recovery before he could return to Konoha.

While in a coma, Tenzo dreamt non-stop. Mostly, he dreamt of the empty shell of a man he was currently carrying through the streets. This was not how he wanted their reunion to go.

Kakashi finally went limp as he passed out from the alcohol and crying. Tenzo stumbled slightly, but threw the man over his shoulder and took off for Kakashi's apartment.

With his senpai tucked away in his bed, Tenzo took a few minutes to look around the apartment. The bedroom was messy, with clothes and garbage thrown about. Clearly Kakashi spent a lot of time in here.

He slowly made his way to the kitchen. Sticky notes littered the fridge with Gai's handwriting on them.

"Rival! I left food in the fridge!"

"Rival! I washed some clothes for you!"

"Chin up my eternal rival! Life awaits!"

Piles and piles of them. They even spilled over onto some counter space. Had Gai been taking care of Kakashi? Why couldn't he do any of this on his own? Brow furrowed in thought, Tenzo searched through more notes.

"Kakashi, don't let love be the death of you!"

"Rival! Please remember you have friends that are still living!"

Tenzo couldn't breathe. How could Kakashi have let himself be turned into this? He had attributed a good chunk of tonight to the alcohol, but now he could clearly see something was deeply wrong.

Tenzo walked into the living room and sank into the couch. This was all too much for his first day back.

Kakashi woke once again with a pounding hangover. He remembered going to the bar, but not much else. Gai obviously brought him home drunk again.

He sighed. What happened last night? He tried to remember, without much luck.

Kakashi was surprised to hear the bathroom door open down the hall and looked over to his clock. 10AM. Gai must've stayed the night here.

"Kakashi?"

Kakashi froze again, memories of last night flooding back to him. He jumped up and looked to the door at Tenzo.

"Tenzo? This is real?" Kakashi's voice came out a bit shakier than he had hoped.

"Yes. It is." Tenzo spoke as he walked over to him, wrapping his arms around him.

"Tenzo… " Kakashi choked out. "I.. I missed you so much."

He squeezed the younger man as tightly as he could and rubbed a trembling hand up and down his back.

"I still have something I need to tell you… something I've needed to say for a long time now."

"Kakashi. You don't think after all the time we spent together, all the missions, all the training… that I don't know what you are going to say? I've been able to read you for so long I can hear your mind better than my own!" Tenzo shook as he spoke and his own tears finally claimed him.

"I don't think you could possibly understand what I'm trying to tell you." Kakashi spoke again.

Tenzo pulled away so he could look into Kakashi's eyes. Seeing both of them matching for the first time almost took his breath away.

He moved one of his hands up to the side of Kakashi's face, his fingers slowly tucking under the edge of the mask covering the bottom half.

In all their years together, Tenzo had never looked. He respected Kakashi's privacy far too much for that. Now it was his turn.

He pulled the mask down and looked at the beautiful face beneath. The white skin, flawless jawline, white teeth, and those lips. They were perfect. Better than anything he could have imagined.

Kakashi sat there staring, eyes widened. He was finally speechless, scared to see Tenzo's reaction to his face.

"Kakashi… for the longest time, we've been a team. Even when you left Anbu you were still my teammate, my family. I feel like I am always able to read you so clearly because I think the same way you do, plan the same way… and feel the same way." Tenzo stopped talking.

He stared at those lips. They twitched at Tenzo's words as Kakashi was frozen under his stare.

He put a hand back behind Kakashi's head and pulled him into a deep kiss, slowly at first, until Kakashi made it past his shock and threw everything he had into it.

Their bodies pressed tightly together as tongues battled for dominance, arms rubbing up and down the other body.

Kakashi pulled away, and looked into Tenzo's giant brown eyes, now overflowing with happiness.

"Tenzo, I've been nothing without you. I never want to lose you again."

"I'm not going anywhere."

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so I've fallen in love with these two as a couple... but I feel weird writing m/m since I'm not really familiar with that in general. Also felt really weird reading it out loud to my husband seeing as we are f/m. I may add more to this later but it will probably be a while if I do. Also I'm not a big fan of the ending so sorry about that!


End file.
